Fonzie Schemes

Remember Jack Abramoff? He’s the dude who allegedly defrauded American Indian tribes of millions of dollars, something to do with campaign contributions I recall.

Remember Bernie Madoff? He’s the dude who squandered/stole some $50 billion from various investors, charities, and financial institutions via a Ponzi scheme, the illegal act of using newly recruited investor money to pay investment dividends rather than good, old fashioned profits.

Does it crack anyone else up that both men’s names end in “off?” It does me! In fact, I’ve even gone so far as to coin Jack as “Abra the Moff,” after my favorite space smuggler, Jabba the Hutt. It doesn’t work as well with Bernie. God knows I’ve tried. “Madoff” begs for a third or fourth syllable to effectively pull off the Hutt transformation.

And speaking of Ponzi schemes, does anyone else think of Fonzie? As in Arthur Fonzarelli? I do! I picture that a Fonzie scheme closely resembles its cousin Ponzi, except that in a Fonzie scheme, after you bilk your investors of all their money, you jerk your thumb out at them and declare, “Aaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy.”

It warms my heart that in the midst of such financial treachery, I can stretch it all right back to Star Wars and Happy Days. It’s a gift.