Greedo the Killer Pimp, Part I

At one point in his speech, Jeff Strain said, "Film, television, and book franchises are just not good candidates for MMOs. Even MMOs based on the "Big Two" franchises – you know the ones – have not lived up to the expectations of their developers." He's not clear on who he means by the "Big Two" but I'm going to guess they are Star Wars: Galaxies and the Matrix Online. He might also mean Lord of the Rings Online or D&D Online but LoTRO is too new to condemn to failure just yet and D&DO is not really a film, television, or book franchise the way I think he defines it.

I've never played Matrix Online. I like the first movie well enough, but the sequels were a swirl of leather trench coats, obscure dialogue, and meandering plot. Nothing about the Matrix universe motivates me to play its MMO equivalent.

But I've played SW:G. In fact, it was the very first MMO I ever played. I'm a huge Star Wars dork (as if the email address didn't give me away) and was curious enough to try it despite the prospect of shelling out $15 a month. Though I didn't know any better at the time, it was a dismal experience. Actually, I think I did know and just didn't want to admit that something related to Star Wars might just be a steaming pile (*cough* Episode I.)

Just about every aspect of the game was a design choice from hell. Deliberately or accidentally, players were punished at every turn. For instance, I started my toon on Rori, the small moon orbiting Naboo. After playing through a bizarre tutorial instance that taught the basics of movement and combat, I was magically teleported to Rori's surface . . . where I was immediately attacked and killed by some psychopath Rodian. My death was so abrupt and total, it took me a full minute to even piece together what had happened. This being my first MMO, I had no concept of the modern day MMO staple, the "starter zone." I blissfully shrugged my shoulders and hit the cloning facility. This gave me new life not far from where I died. Still milling around my corpse, the Greedo wanna-be immediately zoned in on me again and gave chase. I had been logged into the world of SW:G for less than three minutes, I barely had a chance to orient myself and get a feel for the world and the game mechanics and I was being ruthlessly pursued by a mob that I would be challenged to defeat even if I knew what I was doing. Crappy design 1, Hapless player 0.

I'd like to say game-play improved from there, but it didn't. It turns out, there was very little to do in SW:G. You could kill monsters to level up a skill tree or you could PvP. Quests? Not so much. There was a terminal you could go to in cities to pick up bounty missions. The bounty was usually a certain type of mob. You'd choose the bounty, go kill the beasties, and then return to collect some cash. Rinse and repeat. Crafting? The system was intricate, but you couldn't sell what you made to vendors and the auction house was bursting with the same crap you just churned out, none of which was moving.

Part II coming tomorrow.