Parting Is Such Dramatic Sorrow

It's the last day of school in my district today, and the bawling elementary school girls were out in full force in public education's hallowed halls. I'm talking torrents and torrents of tears. An unknowing passerby might assume that someone had died or that George Lucas was set to direct another Star Wars movie. But no, it's just the last day of school and even though most of them will see each other over the summer, and certainly next school year, the girls had to feign heartbreak in order to be flocked by their friends and comforted.

The spectacle made me pukechortle, which is my word for nausea induced from witnessing phoniness mixed in with some mirthful laughing at baldfaced insincerity.

All the drama and acting brought out the most clinical side of my personality; the Id within begged me to confront one of the bawlers and say, "Look, if you don't knock it off, I'll give you something to cry about." But for some reason, I like being gainfully employed so I held my tongue and instead nodded sympathetically at them.

Cue the pukechortle.

See, I'm smart and crafty, unlike this speciman from Florida who cleared the middle of his classroom and then proceeded to WWE wrestle his junior high students.



First off, hats off to you for barely being able to manhandle a 7th grader. I'm not sure what's more embarrasing, the teacher's complete lack of discretion or the fact that he almost got beat. I saw this teacher interviewed after the fact and he sounded just like a 5th grader when he said, essentially, "What, we was just playin'." He did later comment that things did "get out of hand," but if you know anything about middle school kids, they practically breath take-things-too-far. So let's all thank this guy for giving us another definition of stupidity.

I'm not certain we needed yet another one, but there it is.