Midget Bikini-clad Sanitation Workers of Might and Magic

I’ve gone back to playing an old stand-by, Heroes of Might and Magic V. For the uninitiated, HOMMV is a turned-based strategy game with two basic modes of play: 1) a strategic map where you direct your heroe(s) to explore territory, gobble up resources, build armies, and attack enemy heroes and strongholds; and 2) a tactical map where you duke it out with an opposing army.

The game has gone largely unchanged through its fifth iteration. I’ve played all five in the course of my gaming career and agree with the general consensus that II and III mark the pinnacle of the series.

The biggest change between V and its predecessors is the update to a full 3D graphics engine. Gameplay remains largely the same, though I do miss Jon Van Caneghem’s influence on the series. Jon originally produced it under the corporate banner New World Computing. 3DO scooped NWC in the late 90s and proceeded to stamp the Might and Magic logo on any piece of crap game they could code, everything from Crusaders of Might and Magic to Vampire Transvestite Hookers of Might and Magic.

Ok, so I made that last one up. You get the picture.

As a result, the entire Might and Magic series suffered and when 3DO inevitably went bankrupt, HOMMIV looked to be the last title in the beloved series.

But like the mythical phoenix rising from the ashes (and the same army unit in the game), Ubisoft bought out the rights and after several years, produced HOMMV. It’s a solid enough title, largely staying true to the game Caneghem originally made. My only complaint: the Eurotrash storyline and dialogue. Ubisoft published the game, but a company out of Russia, Nival Interactive, developed it. And based on the campaign dialogue, you can tell a mile away.

I think one of the developers at Nival Interactive knew just enough English to be dangerous. At least I hope that’s case because if they hired someone to translate that muck, they need to get their money back AND flog the translator for hate crimes against the English language. Seriously Nival, mail me the script for your next game along with a $1,000, and I’ll de-Russianize your lousy campaign dialogue so your American audience can play the game without alternating between booing the screen and covering their eyes and ears.

Other than that, it’s as good a turned-based strategy game as you’ll find out there today.