Dan in Real Life

The movie starring Steve Carell shot for mediocrity and that's what moviegoers got. I disliked this movie from the git-go, when Marie, played without note by Juliette Binoche (who?), exhales an impossible monologue on all the qualities of a book she's seeking. I think she's looking for a romance book but who can tell as she meanders aimlessly and contradicts herself repeatedly. All directed at Dan, who she mistakes as a worker at the bookstore. I guess the screenwriter thought that was a great "how we first me" story. Wrong. The scene doesn't even get points for mentioning the book, Everyone Poops. Shame on them for squandering that kind of potential.

And then there's Dan's family. They gather together for a week. It's a big family, more than ten people, including their spawn. They play games together. Like team crossword puzzle, boys against girls. Aerobics on the front lawn. And hide and seek. Yes, the adults play too. Watching Dan and Marie hide behind a bed while Dane Cook prattled on in the midst of his countdown, I imagined myself a participant, oak bat in hand, hunting them all down one by one and clubbing them senseless like a hooded polar hunter beats baby seal pups. I'd club them all until they promised to stop glamorizing family life. And then beat them some more even after they agreed.

I had to clench my imaginary bat quite firmly when the family talent show came together. It was full-blown, complete with sign-up list, decorations, and a fake stage and backdrop. For the love of God, who in the hell wrote this crap (turns out it's the same guy that directed it. Uh huh). A family talent show? That was the only pretext they could think of to allow Steve Carell to badly portray strumming an acoustic guitar and badly singing The Who's Let My Love Open the Door? The Brady Bunch are a more believable family than these specimens. I just pray most of America hated the Burns family as much as I. If most of America is thinking, "Gosh, I wish I could play hide and seek with my extended family," then I just might have to move to Canada. Or Guam.

The show did have a laugh or two. I found Dan's middle daughter amusing and scary. She thinks she's in love and hates that her dad stand between her and true love. At one point she screams across the lawn at Dan, "You're a MURDERER OF LOVE." It was funny, but not even close enough for wholesale redemption. This movie bordered on being as bad as The Family Stone. The two movies share much in common, mostly that they both suck.