CLU Agent, James Thomson

Even though last season of 24 stunk like raw sewage, I do miss the show. Damn you writers and your inconvenient strike!

I happened upon an email I sent Wifezilla last year, poking fun of the start of last season's 24. I bring it to you slightly edited, without commericial interruption.

Agent James Thomson has shelved one too many books and quits CLU (Counter-Library Unit) from all the pressure. But then the unthinkable happens: library patrons sneak into the Halbrack Elementry School library and detonate a My Little Pony piñata, scattering confetti everywhere. The prevailing winds threaten to carry the colorful paper throughout the school. People could be forced to celebrate against there will. From many miles away, CLU agent James Thomson witnesses the rainbow mushroom cloud. Shocked and appalled, he calls into CLU headquarters:

CLU agent James Thomson: "Howard, how bad's the damage?"

Howard Smith, CLU director: "Bad, James. Real bad."

Thomson: "Casualities?"

Smith: "Unknown, but we have reports of a kindergartener running around with confetti hanging from her mouth and multiple classrooms rioting for candy."

Thomson: "Damn it! Send Curtis to pick me up. I'm at the corner of Highway 6 and 529"

Smith: "Uh, you shot Curtis last episode."

Thomson:

Smith: "James?"

Thomson: "Well damn it, send someone else then. I'm going to make those party-goers pay for what they've done to this country."

Smith: "I thought you were out James?"

Thomson: "Not any more. This changes everything."

CLU agent James Thomson, with a renewed sense of purpose, shakes off the post-traumatic stress of shelving too many books and springs into action, kicking ass and taking names later as only a librarian can.

He starts by driving all the way to Dallas and kicking the crap out of his little brother, Dwight.