Phelps Eats Cheeseburger: News at 10

My beef isn't with Phelps. He was at a press conference and commented intimately that he'd like to eat a cheeseburger. Nothing wrong with that. I enjoy those myself. I'd probably yearn to chomp down a few myself if I had accomplished what Phelps did this past week. Unlike Phelps, I'd probably add to the mix loosening my belt and popping a top button too. Not stuff my hand down my pants. That's just weird.

No, my angst stems from the nature of today's media, the bumbling wretches always ten minutes behind the latest fad and empowered with the ability to deliver "news" on demand. Phelps likes cheeseburgers? A harmless fluff piece, right? Or a gently lobbed baseball, injected with contact-sparked napalm, hanging pregnant in the air for Joe Jerk-off to hit right out of the ball park? What a poor example he sets! Advocating junk food! A decorated Olympian athlete! Stuffing his face with fatty meats and carbs while millions of fat kids watch on! Why that no good Phelps! He's no role model! Booooooo! Hissssssss! Booooooooo!

Ack. It's times like these I wish the media would not so earnestly go about the business of demystifying our heroes. Let Phelps eat his cheeseburgers in peace I say. Really, I'd rather not know he's ingesting a tasty, processed treat from the top greasiest chain in the world. Compared to Russia lingering in Georgia like a siding-salesman in my house, it's just not newsworthy. Even a few days after he donned his eight gold medal.

I'm sure there's plenty of everyday things Phelps does that either gratify people's expectations or shock their gentle sensibilities. For certain I noticed some shaved arm pits when Phelps cheered his fellow relay pals. At the next press conference, I can do without hearing that Michael is looking forward to not shaving them for awhile. But that when he does shave them, he uses this. Shaving unsightly pubic hair! A decorated Olympian athlete! Using a pink packaged hair-removal product obviously intended for woman's use only! Why that no good Phelps! He's no role model! Booooooo! Hissssss! Booooooo!

In conclusion, Phelps doesn't use Nair. I made that up.