But Mountain Dew HAS Water In It

Did you know the average adult is supposed to drink sixty-four ounces of water a day? That works out to eight glasses a day if the container holds eight ounces.

Eight glasses a water. Every day.

Now, to give you an idea of where I'm coming from, when I first heard this medical nugget of advice, I assumed (within my cozy Denial Dome) that anything with water in it counted. So, drink a Mountain Dew, one glass out of the way. Have another Mountain Dew, wahoo! two glasses done. Glass of milk at dinner, three down. And so on.

My wife burst my bubble. Turns out that doctors mean sixty-four ounces of just water. Harsh.

Really though, 8 oz. isn't as much as I initially exaggerated it to be. Most glasses hold 12 oz., so drinking just six of those a day would put you at 72 oz., even more than doc expects.

But dammit, water doesn't have caffeine it. And when I drink sixty-four ounces of water a day, my thirst is quenched to the point that I have a lessened urge to suck down copious amounts of coffee and Mountain Dew. Yes, I can actually hear the tiny squeaky voices of my kidneys thanking me, just as they boo and hiss at me when I pick up my thermos or a soda can.

But those organs can curl up and die 'cause Daddy needs his fix!