Let's Get Physical, Physical

Before the Burning Crusade and the Rein of Her Heiness, Scepter raided regularly. He participated in frequent expeditions into Molten Core and Zul'Gurub, with some intermittent forays in Ahn'Qiraj 20 and Blackwing Lair (aka Blackwing's Lair to some of our more mentally challenged friends). Aside from the occasional issue of putting together a full 40 man team, the raiding was good and the phat lewtz flowed like honey down Kate Beckinsale's warlocks.

But even just a few weeks into Scepter's raiding career, I noticed a change in him. Not in personality, or anything like that. He still enjoyed chomping on month-old corpses, playing air guitar in between bosses, and scrap-booking. No, I noticed a physical change.

Scepter was getting a spare tire.

At first, I chalked his weight gain up to diet. I asked him what he'd been eating lately and he assured me he had sworn off rancid flesh and was only eating cartilage and bone marrow. I asked if he'd been drinking and he said only out of the toilet. I studied him a few nights after that conversation and confirmed that was indeed his diet. I also made sure the toilets were flushed regularly.

Emanee raided about the same amount as Scepter and ate like my wife. Which is to say, like a truck driver. Cheeseburgers, 20 oz. steaks, pig's feet, you name it, she ate it. And yet, Emanee experienced no appreciable weight gain. In fact, she actually lost weight. As with Scepter, I questioned Emanee regarding her diet and studied her to verify it. I stopped after she accused me of stalking her, the newly acquired restraining order against me greatly hampering my investigation. But the little I did see of her confirmed that even though she was eating prodigiously, her weight was stable.

So how to explain Scepter's weight gain and Emanee's loss? It wasn't until well after the release of the BC and the rise of Emanee as a full-time raider that the answer came to light:

Suddenly polymorphed as Little Red Riding Hood, The Big Bad Wolf chases Emanee in circles on the theater stage, the undead crowd cheering and clapping (the sick bastards.) Shade of Aran casts forth raw energy in the form of arcane explosions, flame wreaths, and rotating cones of cold, all of which send Emanee dancing around the tiny confines of a surprisingly well-developed library. Within a massive stone-hewn cavern, Gruul pounds a clenched fist on the ground and Emanee runs from cave-ins and leaps for the cavern edge during earthquakes. Finally released from binding torment, Magtheridon rampages around his prison while Emanee tag-teams cube clicking and runs back to apply scathing mind blasts and flays. Searching the depths of SSC for Nemo, the Lurker Below torpedoes above the water's surface and Emanee jumps into boiling water to avoid a pummeling spout of jet-powered hydrogen dioxide.

Suddenly polymorphed into nothing, Scepter plants himself as he waits for the tank to get aggro and then spams decurse and frostbolt until Lucifron dies; his dps sucks so he never pulls aggro. As Magmadar yaps loudly and nips at ankles, Scepter plants himself and waits for the tank to get agrro, spamming frostbolt until the puppy dies; he occasionally side steps flaming spit. Ragnaros roars suddenly to life: Scepter plants himself, doesn't even have to wait for the tank to get aggro and then spams frostbolt until the misunderstood cinder plume dies; he does have to turn slightly to aoe incoming flame elementals before once again throwing snowballs at Raggy.

Pre-BC raid dungeons: couch potato havens. Post-BC raid dungeons: aerobic instructors posing as boss monsters. Turns out Scepter doesn't need Weight Watchers, but some calorie-burning exposure to BC raiding.